Jonathan David was born on April 16, 2011 and he was taken home to Heaven on April 20th. Just four days later. He was a 24 weeker. Some make it and some do not make it. I have heard really amazing stories of babies making it at that age and in fact I was overwhelmed with the positive stories of 24 weekers making it in those 4 days of having Jonathan with us. But my son did not join the group of uplifting stories but joined Heaven instead where his story now does more than uplift. It has led people to accept Jesus. I could not be a more proud mom.
You see, my hope is not in my children. It is not in my husband. It is in my God. My hope is found in the man that climbed on the cross for my sin so that I could tell my son "see you later" instead of "goodbye". Jesus is my HOPE. He is the reason why losing Jonathan is okay. Well, maybe not okay, but at least temporary.
Tonight, I was talking to a mom who also lost a child in the NICU. It is devastating. She just found out she is expecting again. And I remember the nerves and panic and anxiety when I found out I was having another child after him. Even though we were planning it. When I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was SO HAPPY. But so scared at the same time. I literally hit my knees in prayer in the bathroom. I said, "Lord, you are my Hope. But I really want this baby. I want your will to be done but I would really like it if this baby was in your will to be mine on earth." And I felt peace.
At week 24, with Kennedy, I had a horrible UTI that did not clear up until she was born. This infection caused preterm labor contractions. From week 24-32 I was on anti-contraction meds and received weekly shots in my bum. I fought for every week to keep her in as long as possible. Then 32 weeks to the day... I had a horrible contraction. One that my heart knew that we would be having a baby that day. I remember dropping off Evelyn (our oldest) at grandma and grandpa's house. I remember laying in the bed with monitors on and hearing the words, "We need to deliver tonight" from the amazing Dr. Stall. I was panicking. My doctor knew our history and he looked me in the eye and said, "Bobbi, I believe you got her far enough that she will be just fine. She may need aid but she will be okay." We had an emergency c-section. And she came out she was making a noise... and I really thought it was her breathing but she was struggling. They put her on the vent and I had to wait. When I first saw her all my fears went away. She looked so good! She only had to spend 12 hours on the vent and then went right on oxygen for about 1-2 weeks later. She was a fighter.
Jonathan and Kennedy came early for two different reasons. Jonathan came because of a weak cervix which was sewn up for Kennedy's pregnancy and Kennedy came early because of an infection. This was a blessing from God. I saw Him everywhere with Kennedy's pregnancy. I saw Him in the wisdom given to my doctor and nurses. I saw Him in the timing. I saw Him every day as that little girl thrived and thrived. I see Him now in everything because I choose to see Him. Choose to see God in everything in your life. Train your heart to see and know Him.
There is Hope after infant loss. But understand this, that hope was not Kennedy or another baby...
It is Jesus Christ.