I am sad. I am mad. I am all kinds of emotions that I don't want to confess I am feeling. Getting into ministry I thought it would be amazing. Watching people accept Jesus! Watching them go from no hope to the best Hope...
This week forced me to grow up a lot in my call. Sometimes, trusting Jesus means we allow ourselves to hurt. So many times, we try and guard ourselves from the hurt. We wear seat belts, we lock our doors, we do all these things to just simply try and prevent hurting. Tonight, my husband convinced me that it is okay that I hurt like I am right now.
I just lost someone I was ministering to. She came to me because she was seeking biblical counsel on assisted suicide. I counseled her to trust God.... choose life. She chose life and the only reason I lost her was because of brain cancer. She fully accepted Jesus, as did her daughter, in the time we talked. I talked to her daily. I would call her and pray over her scripture. Then we would talk for at least 10-15 minutes every morning. I knew helping her carry her cross was going to hurt me. But I didn't realize how much.
On Tuesday, Jesus called her home. She trusted Jesus and her passing was very quick and the doctors tell us she felt very little pain, which is something she was scared about... and that is why the idea of assisted suicide appealed to her in her fear. I trusted God would be there with her and would walk through this with her... but I never knew how much it would hurt me when I could not pick up the phone and talk to her the next morning. The last few weeks, her daughter would put the phone on speaker and I would just pray. But now there was nobody to listen to my voice pray for her. She doesn't need me any longer... She has Everything she has ever needed.
My husband tells me I am in the anger stage and to be honest, I think I am. I am MAD. I am so mad that Adam and Eve ate that blasted piece of fruit. I am Mad! But mostly I am mad that we chose sin. Adam and Eve chose sin. I have chosen sin... I AM MAD AT SIN, not God. God is the only one that makes this hurt okay, He has redeemed it already! But in this case, trusting Jesus hurts. It hurts because I chose to love even when I knew it was going to end.
He called a woman to ministry. I used to think women should not be pastors. This week through my emotions I even thought, "this is why women shouldn't be pastors". And then He whispered something deep to me, "This is exactly why I called you. Love them, Bobbi. Love them." Love hurts. Love Saves. Love Never fails (1 Corinthians 13). I am so thankful for God the Son who took the nails and raised to life so death would not be our ending. #LoveHim