So, my husband and I have experienced painful loss. Miscarriages, Neonatal loss of Jonathan who was born at 24 weeks and survived for 4 days, and an ectopic pregnancy… after losing so much after our last miscarriage we decided that we would NOT have any more babies. My husband told me how he felt every time we are pregnant and how the losses were weighing him down and we decided that adoption would be the route we would take because somewhere there is a child who needs us as parents just as much as we want them!
After a change in position for my husband we moved. We signed up for the foster classes and that day was one of the happiest and yet scariest moments I have had in a while! About a two weeks before this day, I went to the bedroom and just sobbed to Jesus. About once a month, I found myself crying my eyes out to Jesus because I could not for the life of me explain why I wanted to have another baby naturally but I did. I battled with myself and told myself that I was being selfish and that adoption is amazing, which it is! But deep down in the desire of my heart, I wanted a little boy… I wanted my little boy. For a long time, people suggested that it was simply because we lost Jonathan. But I can tell you it was a different desire. Though, I would love Jonathan to be here.
The day that we signed up for foster classes, like the moment after registering for the class… I realized my cycle was late. To which I packed the girls into the van and went to the store to buy a test because it hit me how late it was! Sure enough, we were pregnant. I was so happy and scared at the same time! How did that happen! We were so careful and really tried not to! But I was thrilled and yet worried how Danny would take the news. Would he worry and be anxious or would he be happy? I debated on telling him for a long time… maybe if I waited until I knew this baby was going to “stay” then I would tell him. But I was too excited to keep it from him! I told him that evening when he got home and my fears washed away when he smiled at me! We both had a pretty good feeling about this one. I had prayed so much and God just gave me a great sense of peace. I remember coming out of my prayer time that day feeling assured that it was a boy, we were going to make it to term, and healthy was in our future!
Through the pregnancy, I would have moments of fear. Fear that could cripple someone if they were not anchored in the Hope of Jesus Christ. And that became the verse my heart would anchor on. Some may say it is using a verse out of context, which it could be but I knew that no matter the turn out that Jesus had already redeemed and eternally this story would be happy in the end. But my verse became,
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure…” (Hebrews 6:19).
Evelyn wanted to decorate the nursery. She chose whales and anchors… VERY FITTING! J And Kennedy was starting to be okay with being a big sister. And sure enough, this baby was a boy! Henry Lee James McMasters was growing and looked perfect at the 20 week ultrasound. Oh, the day we found out he was a boy and it was clear that he was, I was overjoyed! Not only had God heard my desire of another baby but He heard my desire for a son. At 27 weeks, contractions started but we were always able to stop them and I had a time of bedrest. But we made it to our c-section at 37 weeks. So the answers I heard in prayer the day we found out we were pregnant came true. I was going to have a boy, we were going to make it to 37 weeks (which is as far as we can go because of a previous c-section), and he came out of the womb perfect and weighed 7lbs 12oz and was breathing and was just overwhelming for this momma! I cried as I watched from the OR table as they clean him up and daddy cut the cord. Then the nurse looked at me and asked me if I would like to do skin to skin on the table! YES!!!! Our son latched after a few minutes and my heart was overwhelmed with how amazing “normal” is. It had been a long time since we had normal with Evelyn. Jonathan and Kennedy were both preemies and we didn’t get that option. But here we were, sitting in the light of promise. A promise whispered so delicately from the Holy Spirit into my heart.
Some have said that Henry is a stumbling block to my ministry and to be honest I did have to lay back and not do as much as I would have liked to. But the season of prayer and the lessons I learned while being pregnant with this little boy have changed my ministry for the better. Now, not only do I think that Jesus does eternal miracles but we can trust that He will do earthly miracles too. You would think I would learn this lesson with Kennedy but never in my wildest dreams would I have thought we would make it to term again! Only God has the power over hostile wombs. The power of the resurrection is surely bigger than any earthly obstacle.
So during this time, I learned to trust God. To trust him not just with eternal things but with all things. If you asked me, I would have told you I thought I did trust him fully but my heart was too scared. He showed me and I have to witness to His Trustworthiness! HE CAN BE TRUSTED. He can be trusted in loss and in joy.
Danny and I still plan on adopting but little Henry has taught me that God knows what you need and He will provide! I did not realize how much I needed Henry. Not just because I needed a baby but I needed the lesson to Trust God in EVERYTHING.